I nearly forgot I had this thing.

I've been worrying too much and enjoying too little. The things that make summer, summer to me (reading, gardening, knitting socks, sitting on the porch during blue hour) have now become distractions.  Next week I get to spend a week at the lake. I'm mad at my family for always going to the lake. But it's not so bad really. That week I want to salvage the summer I lost--the last summer of being a child. My last summer as a teenager. Since I've realized the weight I've been living under I've been talking to God about it. But it's so hard to stop. Next week, I want it to pause. I want to forget it all and just be, because that's all I can do right now anyways. I'm going to finish The Hunger Games series, maybe some Little House, knit on the beach, walk through the woods and look at everything, play games with family and friends and sit by the fire every night.

I'm going through the Little House books again, as I mentioned. I don't remember any of it, though I read them when I was in elementary school. But I do remember the feeling it gave me. The feeling that that's where I want to be. It's such a strange aspiration. But it's so real and...glaring. I'm not quite sure what to do about it.

It's hard not to feel like I'm crazy.

(rest of the bit I posted out of Other Gods by Pearl S. Buck)

He lifted her against him until her feet were clear of the earth. he was strong and she felt his strength with a quiver of new interest. And then the moment fell to bits. They heard someone tramping up the low hill in the grass, and Mrs. Holm appeared over the stone orchard wall.

It was suddenly fun running away like this together in the brilliant sunny afternoon. Around them the fragrance of the warm ripe apples was like wine. She felt wild and free and excited. She had been trying to coax a moment to approach as one tempts a timid bird. But it was nearer now as they ran together than speech had been able to bring it.
   "Oh Bert, I think I love you!" she cried. She flung herself into his arms, and he seized her and held her.
   "I'm crazy about you," he said tensely. "Crazy-crazy-crazy--."

-Pearl S.Buck, Other Gods